Pain, Suffering, Resilience

It was the time when I broke up with my daughter's father (she was 2 years old then). My whole world collapsed. I was in such a dark, painful place, honestly, it was a complete mess. Of course, it hurt like hell, and I was walking around in circles of blame, anger, suffering, crying, going to therapy, searching for answers, bleeding my soul to friends … all of it. I guess, something in me believed that if only “someone” would notice all my pain and suffering, “something” would change?

And under all that stress, my body started reacting. I developed red spots on my legs and back. I don’t remember exactly what the diagnosis was, but it wasn’t anything good - some inner organs failed to respond, and I got terrified. I remember a moment, standing in an elevator, looking at red spots on my legs, and suddenly some realisation hit me so hard: Agnes, what are you doing to yourself? You have driven yourself into this state. I understood in that moment how deeply I had been stuck, not just in grief, pain, but in a kind of self-pity and destructive loop.

Something clicked and shifted. I’m not sure what I did afterwards or how exactly, but the red spots started to fade. I can’t remember if I took any medicine or did anything special. I guess that was as if my body responded to that inner shift.

Even then, I didn’t have much awareness of what I did, But I let go of something.

At the root of why we cling to victimhood or suffering, deeply unconsciously, are a few deep, human needs and survival mechanisms. It’s not weakness or drama; it’s an ancient strategy to be seen, protected, and to matter.

1. The Need for Validation

Pain can feel invisible unless someone acknowledges it. If no one saw us when we were hurting, especially in childhood, we might have internalised the belief:

“I must keep showing I’m in pain so someone finally notices.”

2. Sense of Identity

When we suffer long enough, pain becomes part of who we are. Letting go of that pain can feel like losing a piece of ourselves, even if it hurts.

“If I’m not the one who’s been hurt, then who am I?”

3. Control in Powerlessness

Sometimes, playing the victim gives a sense of control in a world where we feel helpless. There’s a strange kind of power in saying,

“Look how much I’ve endured.”

It puts others in the role of caretakers, or at least observers.

4. Connection Through Sympathy

Suffering often draws closeness - people listen, comfort, and care. If we didn’t learn how to receive love through joy, we might unconsciously learn:

“I only get love when I’m hurting.”

5. Trauma Loop & Nervous System Habit

Trauma wires the brain for threat. If we’ve lived in survival mode long enough, safety itself can feel unfamiliar or even dangerous.

“I don’t know how to live without the fight.”

6. Unprocessed Grief

If grief has no outlet, it can morph into chronic suffering. The pain becomes a placeholder for what hasn’t been fully felt or expressed. We cling to the wound because the healing still feels out of reach.

And underneath it all?

A longing to be met, felt, and understood — not by yourself, but by someone else.

A wish to be held — not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Again, by someone else, not by your own hands.

We cling to suffering when we don’t yet trust there’s another way to feel safe, real, and loved.

THE BREAKING POINT is often not a dramatic event, but a quiet internal moment when something clicks or shifts. Here’s how it tends to unfold:

The Breaking Point Happens When…

1. Suffering No Longer Feels Worth It

“I can’t keep doing this to myself.”

A deep inner voice, sometimes tired, sometimes fierce, says:

“This pain isn’t helping me anymore.”

You stop getting anything from it. The sympathy, the identity, the excuse - they don’t land anymore. The cost outweighs the comfort.

2. You Catch Yourself in the Pattern

“Wait — I’ve been here before.”

There’s a sudden awareness, maybe in a moment of stillness or breakdown, where you see that you’re caught in a repeating loop. And that seeing is the beginning of change.

3. You Choose Self-Compassion Over Self-Punishment

“I don’t need to keep bleeding to prove I was wounded.”

This is huge. You realise:

“I can validate my pain without continuing to live inside it.” You stop needing others to rescue you and start showing up for yourself in a new way.

4. Your Nervous System Whispers: Enough.

Sometimes it’s not even a thought. It’s your body saying:

“This is killing me.”

Your skin reacts. Your breath shortens. Your sleep is broken. And then - something in you reaches toward life again.

5. You Realise: You’re Not a Victim — You’re a Survivor

Not in the performative, social media way — but in your bones. You feel:

“I’m here. I made it through. I learned. Now I get to choose differently.”

What Comes After the Breaking Point?

• A reclaiming of your choice

• A quiet trust in resilience

• And eventually, a soft but steady return to aliveness

Artwork: The Wounded Angel by Hugo Simberg